gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
