I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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