I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
