i think my tv is drunk
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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