i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
we're so committed to being not committed
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
