Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
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