my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
