Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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