a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
