dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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