did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize