if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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