i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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