Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
