So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
