Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Randomize
