They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
