At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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