literally had 100 drinks last night.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize