You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Randomize
