I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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