No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
