I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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