I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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