I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
