he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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