1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
