i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
