Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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