We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
we're so committed to being not committed
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize