All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize