he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
