worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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