Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
