im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I think I won the penis lottery.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
