And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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