Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
