I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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