i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
