Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
we're so committed to being not committed
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
