I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
