this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
