I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
