I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
