He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
