I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
