omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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