You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
