By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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