Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
