my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
