No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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