he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
