I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
