That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
