The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
