And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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