im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
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