my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
