i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Randomize